Come On Bartender...

So again a bored day in the house.

I had a nightmare last night.

She didn't call me back and before she even called me she didn't want to talk to me. What is my purpose in this life??

Three tear filled nights in a row is not healthy ya'know? And the thing is, is that it's not about me. It's about her pain. Her pain that translates to mine which she doesn't even realize or probably even appreciate.

When someone hurts you it's natural to be a hermit for a while but when someone elses love comes like it's supposed to and wants to, it's not smart or usefull to ignore it and just...bounce.

Ok, so I've been a hermit since friday. Being stood up doesn't sit well with me. I hate it when poeple don't tell me what's happening. It's one of those things that stop me from functioning correctly.

It's like a twitch in my brain. Ugh...

Well...I'm typing up three really late physics labs.

Annoyed by babies.

Hold up. Why did that specific thing stick in her head. She must think i don't trust her. She must think that I'm not on the same page as her.

And obviously she didn't care if i was pissed or bothter to wonder why I was pissed. It was easy for her to just forget about me and go on with whatever she was doing. So for two hours i was leftalone ans she's annoyed that i called my best friend to vent.

Well she wasn't there. And when she was there she was worrying about where she would be in the next twenty minutes. Kill me if I'm wrong but I think quality is more important than quantity. I'd rather see her once in a while and have a great time than for her to squeeze me into her plans whenever she can. And even to see her once in a while and have a not so good time is fine with me. Just as long as we're both into it.

It didn't feel right to me or good. The emotional part and the physical part. Since she's holding back from me my instinct is to hold back from her. Her emotional wall to my physical wall.

I definitely fought that instinct so many times before and I'm doing it now cause that selfish of me not to. I want to be there for her but I'm not sure if she's letting me do that.

Connections don't flow through texting paths.

And phone tag is ridiculous.

-i-hold-the-weight-of-the-world-so-desperately-so-delicately-afraid-to-drop-to-drop-to-drop-it-completely-dont-want-to-lose-it-lose-it-to-drop-to-drop-to-slip-up-to-slip-down-to-crumble-to-cry-



Bartender- Regina Spektor

Love will be the death of me...

This is like releasing the script into the airwaves before the movie comes out.

Or something like that.

Rum and coke. It tastes good but i dont like it. Whatever.

Walked Home in the Rain- 5+
Home in the Cold- 2X
Desperately Ran- 5X
Sang to Myself- 10+
Spinning Aimlessly- 5+
Woke up On a Tearstained pillow- 20+
Looke Forward to A Better Day- Forever and Always



Regina Spektor- Aquarius

Dear someone listening in the shadows
I only talk to you sometimes
and though I ask for help in riddles
it is clearer in my mind
clearer in my mind

born of a sign that carries vessels
but in a month that's cold as ice
I know I question things too quickly
but I have never questioned if I've loved

dear someone watching from the shadows
I'm clenching water in my fists
the drops, they slip right through my fingers
but there's water on my lips
water on my lips

born of a sign that carries vessels
but in a month that brings just ice
I know I question things too quickly
but I've never wondered if I've loved

dear someone watching from the shadows
you've seen me lose all the water from my hands
I'm not a skillful water carrier
but the raindrops keep falling on my head
falling on my head

born of a sign that carries water
but in a month that brings just ice
I'm not a skillful water carrier
but I've learned to carry love
learned to carry love.......