Incurable Humanist: Down to Business

And so...I stared at the ground while i walked home; lost in my own thoughts.

Mostly about her but alot also about my lil sis.

And I think I need to sit back and do my own thing for a while. Idk. I canceled my internship cuz of shitty weather but also cuz i wanted to chill with her for as long as i could.

And now that that's all said and done...it's coming to be obvious her mind is all a-flutter. And she needs someone to talk to. I definitely do too.

I'd rather talk to her than anybody else. So that's what I'll try to be for her. Whenever she needs it.

And i realized something about myself. Or just re-encountered it- I feel alone when there's nobody constant to talk to.

Just someone to talk to who knows all your moves and knows exactly what I'm thinking. I'm not sure if i have someone like that. I mean other than my sis. That's different.

Someone outside of family.

With her...I've always had someone to talk to. But i've always walked home alone. Not to say that's a bad thing. It's like when all is said and done...we have to part ways. Sigh...

The simple things matter also. I want someone to hold my hand when i nedd it. And someon who wants to..never asks...never hesitates...because i am who i am and i'm a hand holding kinda person.

Anyway the more i type i hope i figure out what i really wanna say. Do i want to be with someone jus to be with someone?

No. Not at all.

I want what has always been possible for everyone else I kno...a place to chill and just feel comfy. No worries about someone else around the corner or some immenent sitch to stress about.

And i also kinda figured out this image that people get of me...like happy go lucky...i never have problems...everythings all good...:-/ that i think things will bebetter after someone gets a hug.

I'm not sure if that's the right way to deal with things. But it's the way i deal with things...I've been called naive and young and ignorant and oblivious.

I know I'm none of those things...butit still gets under my skin.

Anyway...i don't lack much when i think about it tho. I'm blessd 200 times over. I have such great friends and a great future. I recognize that. But my present is so much more tangible. And i want...need so much more than i have.

In monetary...emotional...intimate...sexual...sensual...artistic...spiritual...ways.

lol...(monetary and sexual do not go hand in hand.)

And i hope it doesn't always come off as ungrateful when i point out problems. Whenever i do...I'm confronted with the fact that i sound ungrateful and i focus on the bad things. Aren't i allowed to have problems and opinions??

Hmmmmm???!

Yea but how do i go about getting those things that i want?
...Yea... I don't know either. I'll figure it out. Day by day.

...It hurt my heart to see her have to leave today tho. I mean it wasn't a huge dramatic exit or anything...but...like...idk. this tug at my heart...sigh...some things never change.

And i wish i could help her...like fix her probs...and kinda guide her...but i def won't play God or even Angel.

No matter how much I want to stay by her side.

Sometimes people need to be left alone to do their own thing.

Maria Mena- Lullaby

And so...I'm looking forward to this friday...this weekend...excited. I miss my lil cuz. :-p

Ugh...i gotta go study for physics...glad i chilled out today tho...

hehe...green apple Smirnoff....:-)

anywayz...my moms not home, gotta talk to her about a letter i wrote her this morning. About my lil sis...and a bit of my feelings. It was 7 pages long...

hm.

yea. i'll type type about how that goes...for sure...

"Everyone fall in love sometimes...i don't know bout you but it ain't a crime..." <---dedicated to Z. :-D

lol...