"Ur who i was born for..."

"Baby relax everything will turn out ok...it always does...the sky is always darkest before the dawn."

That's what she said.

The day i felt broken and down on my knees inside. With no one to turn to and nothing to say. I'm pretty sure she felt the same way too. No way to apologize and not sure what not to apologize for.

It seemed unbeleivable and completely unthinkable that I would feel like i have to be like this now..

I feel like I'm going on a backwards rollercoaster.

In the beginning...it was a struggle for me to show my feelings. To speak them. To have someone shine a light inside of me...whether for good or bad. It burned for a little while.

But it turned out to be the best thing I've done in my life. It's probably the most important thing I've learned. People have to hear you when you speak.
Nothing will change if you don't say what you want.

But...now...at the end...(?)...I find myslef closing up again. I'm unable to say how i feel. because I can't. The only person who i can say it to is...just...not...there.

Never is.

Always somewhere else. Running off. To something or someone seemingly more important. I'm always number two.

And i kinda understand why i can't be right now...i mean...we've got a whole life ahead of us...why commit now?

...Ccommitment is what i crave though.

...Words fall on deaf ears. I don't know what to say anymore. So my actions must speak completely for me.

That mask i threw away almost a year ago is coming back. And I'm desperately trying to escape it. To run away from it.

I'm angry and hurt and i feel alone. But i know everything will be alright. I can be fine without her if i try hella hard. I'm my own person. The only thing is that it's like i'm losing a part of myself. And i can't do anything about it. With her i'm great. I'm at my best. Even though I've been at my worst with her too.

That's what i love the most though...the duality and the understanding.

The simplest thing like having someone to talk to. Gone. Ran away from me.

This is not meant to be a pity party though. That's the only thing. I like to let the world know that I'm happy. But when I'm sad. or sappy. It doesn't work as well. I don't want a "poor baby". "Benito de nena". "Pobresita".

I want a good talk and then maybe a hug. To explain and finally know what to do about it. And how to start making a difference.

In this sitch...there's nothing i can do except change myself. I can't change anyone else. Even though I've tried my hardest. With the wifeyness and the angryness and the stalkerishness.

I have to leave this alone. And let it work out on its own. Because if I think about it as much as i want to and probably feel the need to...i would literally vomit from forgetting to breathe as tears run uncontrollably down my face.

Not a pretty site. Been there. Done that.

So...I wont keep it inside...but I'll put it to the side. Try not to worry and vomit and cry. Put my sights on other things important.

My life and my love will forever remain though. No doubt.

"And ur who i live for..."