...but nobody really knows...

So...I just woke up. And my dreams revealed my discontent.

But considering it's midnight...it counts as something else. Like a calling. I woke up to the song "If you're out there" by John Legend...



I'm thinking about broken promises and how parents lie to children and how children grow up thinking that their parents know everything. And how much I've experienced and how much I have yet to experience.

BANG...Tomorrow just started. January has finished. Happy February.

And sadly all my plans for this weekend have vanished into thin air.

But. I think I will keep my self under the radar for a while. I feel like being alone. I don't want to talk to anyone despite the fact that I miss a lot of people.

Sooo...I'm burying myself in music for a couple of days. I don't wanna chill and I don't want anybody to touch me in any way or even stroke my ear as if that relaxes me when I'm in a bad mood. :-/

ugh. it just makes me feel weird.

For some reason...I've been seeing many people around me very differently. Not all in bad ways...but in ways that make me want to keep to myself and see the next plan that comes up.

And I don't wanna make plans either. I want routine for a while. I'm tired of trying to fix things around me when they don't want to change.

I don't know if I'm angry or just exhausted with people who don't understand me or where I'm coming from. It's either one though.

I know that I feel like crying about everything. And not even the things i should cry about.

I tend to not cry about the things that i should and end up crying over little details.

I don't want details right now. I want...someone to read my mind.

I don't want to type right now. I don't want to explain things and I don't want to sleep. It's not laziness or crankiness or even a mood. It's a mindset that's unfortunately making me feel kinda invincible. What can do? Anything.

That's not always good. Maybe i feel like this because I'm a complainer. Nah i doubt it. But...that's a biased opinion.

And...I want to feel pain. Maybe I'm sick of being so...up. Or at least always trying to be. Or maybe not. I have so much feeling inside of me and it never comes out the right way. And nobody takes it the way it's meant to be taken.

I want to give my all to something outside of me. To see how it helps. Btu i don't want to try. Because when i try hard and think about it too much...it never works.



John Legend- I love, You love

Maybe I'm too comfortable. With everything. With everyone. I'm craving a new face and a new touch and a new mind.

And i don't want to constantly look back at my past..the bad parts i mean. Now that everything's fine...and all's well and done...and i know my significance in my loved ones lives...i need something new.

I hate tragedies and tears. Because I can't do anything about them. I never do. I'm useless.

But I also love them. Because they are reminders...of how fragility exists.

But seeing as I'm only ever an onlooker...only occasionally a real character in the character...I'm tired of it. Plus...the dramatic scenes i my life revolve around the same kinds of things all the time.

I'm exhausted from worrying about the same things all the time. Feeling the same creepy crawling on my neck when i hear a certain somethings and about certain someones.

And i miss so many people...i need a new spectrum of color on my paintbrush.

This entry could easily be the longest I've ever written. Because...like always...I'm back at the beginnings of things.

...solitary moments...do this to me...

I'm cursed to always want what I won't get until I don't anymore...or until I stop looking for it...

I hate this...unsatisfied feeling...

I was born to love and try forever to show it.

I get a "B" in originality...but i can't help myself...:-/

It's not like I'm not going anywhere though...I wanna feel vulnerable again. To all things. I wanna feel scared and confused. Ugh...I'm too complacent.

The only thing I'm confused and frustrated about is my concentration...that's basically my minds workings on canvas...AND I DON'T KNOW HOW TO DO THAT...

I don't know if I'm gonna make anyone proud...or happy...or feel good...I'm just floating right now.

I love this song...and this vid...

John Legend - Everybody Knows / NEW
Uploaded by PeteRock

John Legend- Everybody Knows

Goodnight...sweet dreams...I hope someone holds you as you sleep...i wish someone would hold my hand though.