are you listening at all?

This song makes me cry.



"Don't break me, I bruise easily
The source of both your love and misery

I am steady, beating endlessly
While you are dozing, dreaming pretty things
Lovely things

I don't work for free
Please take care of me

This is a message from your heart
Your most devoted body part
Taking blood and making art
This is a message from your heart
Pounding away into the dark
You could thank me for a start
This is a message from your heart

Don't hurt me, I bleed constantly
My efforts leave me but flow back swiftly

My rhythm, soothing, like raindrops steady
On foggy windows when you gaze outwardly
Peacefully

I don't work for free
Please take care of me
Please take care of me

This is a message from your heart
Your most devoted body part
Taking blood and making art
This is a message from your heart
Pounding away into the dark
You could thank me for a start
This is a message from your heart

Everytime you sleep
Everytime you eat
Everytime you laugh
Everytime you cry
Every time you love

This is a message from your heart
Your most devoted body part
Taking blood and making art
This is a message from your heart
Pounding away into the dark
You could thank me for a start
This is a message from your heart"

- Message from your Heart (Kina Grannis)

...and so with this i must admit that i'm feeling quite out of it. What is wrong with me?

And even if i could explain it...i would trivialize it. Because whatever I've said has not seemed to matter.

I just beg everyday that I can stand whatever comes next. I can't even count how many times I've come close to tears today. And it's just a fuckin buildup. Who can help me is just busy busy busy and needs to focus on something else. I really need something.

And i don't know what. I hope for many things...

1. I'm not manically depressed
2. I'll have a good day tomorrow
3. Not lose her
4. I wake up in the morning
5. I'm not unnecessarily terrified
6. Everything else that's good for me.

Wait. I want her to be mine. Reciprocity is what i want. I don't know if she realizes that I don't have anything else to give. I've done all i can do. And i know that i'm doing the usual and backing off and standing still because my instincts tell me to run. Or i'll start crying my eyes out.

i don't know why. I can't help it. It just happens. Is my heart broken? cracked? massacred? damn...my father says i don't have to fall in love. He says i should stand in it.

But my legs get tired...

Sigh...i can't stop sighing...

:-( i fucking hate this. What if i die in two weeks? Tomorrow. Seriously alotta morbid shit runs through my mind like that so much. can't help it. i just decide not to say it. Cause who wants that in their heads all the time?

"Life is too short so love the one you got cause you might get run over or you might get shot."

It's the fact that...you know...what. I need to stop talking about it. I need to sing. No! I can't stop!

If and when we get back together i hope it'll be the best out of the other times we did. She needs to love me harder and deeper next time (?). Because I don't want to leave her but If I seriously can't take it I will leave (what?). I can't handle so much at one time. I'm a very dependable person. She has nothing to be afraid of. Hm. But the thing is. If I tell her I'm afraid she'll do the usual "I wont pressure you" thing. It's not that I feel pressured. I feel. On guard. Alone and lonely. Fucking about to break.

Um. I need to draw. Recently I've been having these like spasms in my hands. I think art is trying to jump out. It's like fucking crucial. I wanna make a sculpture...an installation... not just draw. I want to make something that I can step into and leave behind and come back to. I need to recreate what's going through my mind right now.

I think I'm going crazy and nobody knows. Not even me. :-I

Yea. Temporary insanity.

Anticipation.

And then like wtf? The world is totally working around the clock to throw me off balance and piss me off. I am too horny. Like to the point where it's kinda spilling out. Lucky for so many people...I just want someone to be all mine.

I feel like a broken record.

(:-I I dont like sarah palin. She's a ditz and a moron. did she pass the american history regents? like wtf?)

"Hold my hand as you cut me down."

Music.



Tina Turner! You better be good to me! Totally my groove right now.

But i'm gonna try to smile. I need it. Because I'm me.

I can win in this game called love...when you want it the most there's no easy way out...celine dion..



I'm not broken. I'm too young to be. decision made.