letter to jesus

It was weird. i broke up with her when we weren't even dating. Like...how the fuck does shit like that happen? It's amazing how all this turned out.

Nobody has ever hurt me like her. But If i die right this minute I can honestly say that she is the love of my life. No doubt. I knew she would see it as giving up. I can't help that she dosn't understand. There'll always be someone who wont understand something. Even if it's the person involved in the situation.

I just don't want to go through this anymore. The fucking promises and words that never fully come to be a reality. I dont want to picture her and her current together. In any fucking way. I can't fucking stand it. Like oh my fucking god it makes me wantto go braindead and blind. She doesn't deserve her.

Ugh. It's really hard not to think about it. And it's like going through the day without something that i really need. And then he tells me that she's cutting me off. And then her shit online says she's cutting me off. But then she's texting me and causing me to get upset all over. I don't know how i'm going to do this. Like I know life goes on but what if it doesn't? what if it all ends now? Not because of this...just...because.

The only person i have is me. Wtf would she think i might have anyone else when i let her go? Like wtf? That's not me. Holy shit. Like i wake up thinking about her. I had a dream about her the morning i told her i couldn't date her. And the night before I couldn't go to sleep cause i was thinking about her. But obviously she's fine with her FUCKING girl lying in her FUCKING bed with her FUCKING arm around her. FUCKING. FUCK.

she said she wasn't happy but how do i truly know. I can't imagine anything! i have to go by what i see and just do what i have to do to stop going crazy! Nothing was changing so i had to do something different...I wasn't happy at all waiting...waiting...

idk. but then i do. I told him. I mean at least he understands. It all makes sense in logic (oh she don't deserve u...u mad smart...u can find someone better) but the real truth is that im dealing with pain and trying to get what i would die for and in the process I'm losing myself and living for someone who won't just do what they say. and realize that nobody will ever ever EVER love her the way i do and forever will.

...if someone really wants and needs something then they would do anything to get it. right?.....

right?....fuck...




Like ok she let me in but she let someone else in too. i can't deal with that. No no no no. What's mine has to be all for me. If that sounds possessive then fuck it. Im fucking possessive.



My prayer- Jesus help me. I did it and i knew it would be hard. It would be a different story if she got the picture but she doesn't. So now i'm left alone. More alone than i've ever felt. And again...the only one on earth that can help me is her. Please please please keep me together...i love her adn thank you for everything you've given us. Maybe iv'e asked you for too much, jesus...but i refuse to believe that...YOU can do anything. please please please make me happy...in time...in any way possible...