Hold me down. Cause love is what i got.

So today was very interesting. I found out that claiming something that's mine is harder than i realized. You can only have someone who truly wants to be had. If that makes sense.

Why is there confusion? Why is there this feeling of nondissapointment because of the confusion. Is it because I know how she does things now? I'm not surprised?

It's slowly coming to me that if I'm hurt again it wont affect me as hard as the first time. Because there was so much of the hurt that I'm used it now. I mean. How can I not keep my guard up now...I putit down and look where it got me. I dont want there to be anymore confusion dammit.



(Two Wrongs- Wyclef n Ortiz)

I just want to be with her. Like I said. Well...like that other woman said...commitment makes me wet. :-I No doubt.

It's never been more true than at this moment in my life.

But I know myself. I can only be "the other woman" for so long. I need something more. I don't even know if I'm being impatient. But i seriously deserve to be impatient.

I anticipate when I'll have the freedom to hug her from behind and not hide from someone. Like anyone. First friends then family then girlfriend. I just don't know.

I just want to walk down the street and hold her hand. And take a nap with her. Let her heartbeat lull me to sleep.

It brings me close to tears because that hasn't happened between us.

Maybe I should let go. Make the choice for her. Because if she's not willing to give as much as possible then I wont even though Im prepared to do that again. Like he said...dont put anything on the table until you see what the other one is offering.

But knowing me...I'll just give myself until i need a torniquet.



(Mother fucking sucky vid for a motherfucking awesum song my evanescence)

Maybe something else is just a little more important than me in her life right now. And honestly...that's allowed. But. Then again. If she says she wants me why the fuck can't she just take me? I'm here. Because I'm meant to be. Until I'm not.

Like stop imagining problems in her head and just be with me. The world goes round no matter what happens. As long as whatever happens isn't the end of the world.

Shit! I need to take my mind off of this. I need to paint. But what does she have that i don't? Ugh!!!

Like a make believe first that slowly reveals itself to be second after the haze and the thirst brought on by a long drought of lovesickness.



(Favorite Accident- MCS)

Walking home from the library/ skool/ burger king I thought and thought. And i was facing the evening sun and saw the tiny shadows of the acorns in front of me. I like the crunch of then under my feet.

And i called my friend from BK. She didn't answer. She texted to call back when she has free minutes. I love that girl to death....

But, see, isn't that what I've been doing all along?

Waiting for the most convenient time to get what i want? Checking back after a while to see if nobody's busy?

Who's gonna hold me down? Seriously.

Who's there to hold me down...

Ugh...Anyway. Frustration. Angst. Anxiety. Heart palpitations.

I want to listen to paramore...and i want to fall asleep in someone's bed...and i want to think out of the box...and i want to go to chicago...

No. Never. You can't have all of me and give part of yourself. WHAT THE FUCK is she afraid of?


Haha...ok. stop thinking about it. Ims stop stressing for a minute. Feel good music coming up!!!




Ska makes me so happy! The horns! The horns! The voice! The love!

Ooo....sublime baby...sublime....




Alritey...homework time...type type later my lovable comp.